Saturday, May 17, 2008

...Hurrah! Hurrah!

The ants are not marching anymore.

At least, they are being slowed dramatically.

This has to do with my extensive research and finally my order for ant poison from somewhere overseas. It came about two weeks later, from Malaysia, with carefully worded English directions explaining how to use it and what it would do to the ants.

The instructions assured me that the ants would carry it home so that everyone could partake of the bounty. Then, they would all start hallucinating and killing each other. (They did carry it home, and now they have largely vanished from certain areas of the house, so it must be doing something like that.) But don't worry, they asserted confidently, it is not toxic to humans or animals except in large quantities.

Now, I do have a few questions. First, how do they know the ants will hallucinate? I mean, killing each other, that someone can observe. But how do you know what's going on in an ant's brain? That means, to me, that somewhere out there, someone was smoking this stuff. Then while they were busy hallucinating, the ants got into it, and as they say, the rest is history. But I have a little tiny worry that someone from CPS is going to wander into my house randomly, taste the powder lying (safely out of children's reach) on my counter, instantly recognize it as something dangerous or illegal (don't they do that in the movies? I don't watch those kinds of movies, but I seem to remember seeing that kind of thing somewhere), and turn me in. "SURE you put it out for the ants...and the little guys are hallucinating, you say...?"

"Well," I told Alan, "at least the ants go out with a bang. I mean, if I'm going to kill them, isn't it kinda nice of me to at least let them go out having fun? They're having a blast, thinking they're Indiana Jones or something." But then I realized, yeah, probably only one in ten goes that way. For the rest of them, it's more like, "Hey Pete, how's it goin'? Pete? Hey, Pete, it's me, Joe! PETE! What are you--"

Even though I'm not going to leave it where it can be reached, I'm glad it's not too toxic to kids. Because if my kids started hallucinating and attacking each other, I probably wouldn't notice anything unusual.


Joelle said...

LOL. Nicole, I love your stories. I just spent a few minutes catching up on your blog entries. Hilarious! Hope all is going well there.

gracefulfig said...

I started reading your blog and can't stop - reading and laughing! So happy to have found you. I deal with 2.5 year olds through 5 year olds every day at work :) By the way, ants are "shes", so it would be "Greta, howzit going? Greta, what's wrong? Hey, it's me, Francine! All right, sister, you asked for it!..."